Stephen Colbert: ‘The more we know about Trump’s relationship to Epstein, the more we wish we didn’t’ | Late-night TV roundup

Late-night hosts dig into Donald Trump’s makes an attempt to distract from the Jeffrey Epstein recordsdata scandal plaguing his administration.Stephen Colbert“It’s a fantastic day to be me, as a result of I’m not Donald Trump,” stated Stephen Colbert on Tuesday’s Late Present. “That man has received quite a lot of issues. To begin with, the Jeffrey Epstein scandal simply gained’t ‘kill itself.’ And we’d have a touch why Trump hasn’t been that desperate to launch these recordsdata.”In accordance with Dick Durbin, a Democratic senator from Illinois, a thousand FBI brokers have been placed on 24-hour shifts in March to assessment roughly 100,000 data associated to Epstein and flag any mentions of Trump. “That may be a suspiciously Herculean effort,” stated Colbert. “All of the king’s horses and all of the king’s males couldn’t cover who Dumpty humped together with his pal.”Now even Maga is demanding solutions – 11 congressional Republicans have stated they’ll be part of Democrats to vote to launch the Epstein recordsdata, making a majority in Congress. In response, speaker Mike Johnson shut down the Home till September to dam the vote. “It’s a typical parliamentary maneuver referred to as [unintelligible screeching],” Colbert joked together with his fingers in his ears.“You can not blame Trump and his allies for being scared right here,” he continued, “as a result of the extra we learn about Trump’s relationship to Epstein, the extra we want we didn’t.”In accordance with courtroom data, Trump flew on Epstein’s aircraft no less than seven instances. “That doesn’t imply he did something unlawful, however it’s not a fantastic look if you fly on the pedophile’s aircraft sufficient instances to earn diamond pervert standing,” Colbert quipped.The furor is digging up different moments from Trump’s “creepy previous”, reminiscent of a clip from the Howard Stern present in 2006 the place he stated he “had no age restrict” for intercourse with girls.The Stern clip “is only a small style of his lengthy public historical past of pervitude, and all of it makes it arduous to just accept Donald Trump’s Epstein denials”, stated Colbert. “I imply, it might be simpler to just accept Sir Combine-a-Lot releasing ‘I By no means Visited Huge Butt Island.’”“After all, each time Trump is backed right into a nook, he wants to alter the topic and throw pink meat to the carnivorous base,” he continued. “And their favourite lower is filet of Obama.”Requested concerning the Epstein scandal within the Oval Workplace on Tuesday, Trump rambled about “irrefutable reality that Obama was ‘sedacious’”.“Wow, it takes extraordinary confidence to name a former president ‘sedacious,’” stated Colbert, “as a result of that’s not a phrase”.The Day by day Present“Trump has been doing every part that he can to maintain these recordsdata below wraps,” stated new Day by day Present visitor host Josh Johnson on Tuesday. “He’s even received his mates in Congress making an attempt to assist,” as speaker Mike Johnson (no relation) shut down the Home till September to keep away from a vote on releasing the Epstein recordsdata. “Do you perceive that they cleared Congress out for the summer season like they discovered a dookie within the pool,” Johnson joked.“Making an attempt to close down the discharge of the recordsdata solely makes them extra fascinating,” he continued. “So for the final week, Trump has been throwing each distraction he can at us.” Johnson went by every distraction one after the other, beginning with blaming Barack Obama with, as Trump put it, “irrefutable proof that Obama was sedacious”.“Sedacious? It appears like he’s mispronouncing a brand new black pal’s identify,” Johnson joked. “The issue with this distraction is that it’s so outdated, Jeffrey Epstein wouldn’t date it. Trump has been going after Obama for many years – he’s going to wish one thing else.”Akin to a well being prognosis of “persistent venous insufficiency”, which the White Home provided after pictures confirmed Trump with swollen ankles. “I can’t stress how huge of a deal that is, as a result of they by no means admit that Trump has something however impeccable well being,” stated Johnson. “Normally, they bring about out a health care provider to be like, ‘Donald Trump has huge muscle groups and a girthy ass dick. Medically talking, he makes Hercules seem like a pig with most cancers.’”“His docs as soon as stated that his blood stress was ‘astonishingly glorious.’ That’s not even how blood stress works!” he added. “However I get why this put this out. One, it’s distraction. And two, individuals have been beginning to discover that Trump seems, medically talking, like shit.”Seth MeyersAnd on Late Evening, Seth Meyers mocked certainly one of Trump’s Reality Social posts from the weekend, through which he celebrated six months of his second time period and stated “wow, time flies.”“Does it, although?” Meyers responded. “It’s been six months of this time period, however we already did 4 years of you, and even when [Joe Biden] was president, you have been nonetheless the president of each information cycle. It feels such as you’ve been president eternally. I believe it goes Washington, Jefferson, Adams and then you definitely.”In different information, King Charles named his spouse, Queen Camilla, the vice admiral of the UK final week in honor of her 78th birthday. “And to not be outdone, President Trump has lastly named First Woman Melania as his emergency contact,” Meyers quipped.And the White Home launched a memo outlining the president’s well being points, saying that the bruising seen on the again of his hand in a number of pictures was “in line with minor gentle tissue irritation from frequent hand-shaking”.“I simply love that his followers should by some means reconcile this concept that he’s this highly effective strongman but in addition he will get bruises in the event you contact him,” Meyers laughed. “He’s the indestructible savior of America, but in addition he’s mainly a plum.”