I had electric shock treatment in the 1960s. Now I want to know why | Mental health

I’m 83, and my life appears to have been principally blissful. However after a yr at artwork school, I kind of disintegrated and was despatched to a psychological hospital after I had tried to kill myself a number of instances. My greatest clarification is that life was too tough and painful. However why?Within the hospital I had 15 electrical shock therapies. After the primary one I didn’t recognise my mum. I had a blinding headache, and the worry of by no means waking up was robust. I was given antipsychotic medicine and sedatives. I precipitated loads of fear to my mother and father, however I couldn’t “pull myself collectively”. Trying again, I see myself as a caring one that helped the confused and sad girls who had been locked away in that huge outdated psychological hospital, the place, in a approach, I felt at dwelling.Afterwards, I made a decision to go to Italy, the place I recovered steadily and stopped the treatment. I began instructing English and loved it. Since then, I’ve lived a full and in some ways profitable life. However the query is, what occurred to me?Individuals make seemingly random selections on a regular basis, however once we look again that they had extra goal than they appeared to and had been typically knowledgeable by our surroundings. You had been brave, and nonetheless are for writing to me and excited about this tough time in your life, which should have been traumatic. And like all trauma, it’s caught in your reminiscence as snapshots, which you are now making an attempt to make sense of.Trauma recollections aren’t laid down like common recollections within the mind. You possibly can be taught extra about this by listening to the podcast I did on this topic with Dr Joanne Stubley, a guide medical psychotherapist who leads the trauma service for adults on the Tavistock and Portman NHS belief in England. I confirmed her your letter and we had been each inquisitive about what led as much as your breakdown. Psychological well being points weren’t at all times handled nicely within the early Sixties, and the panorama again then was, as Stubley describes it: “power-based and misogynistic”. Issues aren’t excellent now, however there’s actually extra understanding.We additionally puzzled what was occurring round that point for you? What led to life being so tough? Younger individuals don’t have breakdowns and try suicide in a vacuum.Even within the psychiatric hospital you had been taking care of others. No marvel you’re now pondering, ‘What about me?’“You confirmed nice resilience transferring to Italy,” mentioned Stubley. “You had the capability to get your self up and away [from a place where difficult things happened] to reside a life the place you had been giving to others, instructing English.”Even within the psychiatric hospital, you mentioned you had been taking care of others. No marvel you’re pondering, “What about me? Who was pondering of me?” It’s common to have these questions as we age and realise now we have extra years behind us than forward. “You appear to have nice braveness and capability to ask your self these questions,” mentioned Stubley. “That sense you’ve got of, ‘What occurred to me? What actually went on right here?’ is spectacular.”skip previous publication promotionSign as much as Inside SaturdayThe solely solution to get a glance behind the scenes of the Saturday journal. Signal as much as get the within story from our high writers in addition to all of the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox each weekend.Privateness Discover: Newsletters could include information about charities, on-line adverts, and content material funded by outdoors events. For extra data see our Privateness Coverage. We use Google reCaptcha to guard our web site and the Google Privateness Coverage and Phrases of Service apply.after publication promotionOne of the hallmarks of trauma is feeling alone in a scenario, of being disempowered. A solution to course of it’s to know what occurred. I puzzled if you happen to would possibly attempt to discover out if any of your medical notes from this time nonetheless exist.Stubley additionally urged “beginning to have conversations. It doesn’t must be formal remedy. It might be with a good buddy, a counsellor, anybody who would have the ability to give you the area to discover and inform your life story so you could get extra of an understanding of it. Are there any family alive from that point who you can speak to?”I believed it was attention-grabbing you made a geographical transfer, and to a spot the place English isn’t routinely spoken. You actually left your outdated self behind, however now it’s time to combine the 2. You may additionally discover this Guardian article attention-grabbing. Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a private downside despatched in by a reader. If you need recommendation from Annalisa, please ship your downside to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she can not enter into private correspondence. Submissions are topic to our phrases and situations. The most recent sequence of Annalisa’s podcast is out there right here.Feedback on this piece are pre-moderated to make sure the dialogue stays on the subjects raised by the article. Please remember that there could also be a brief delay in feedback showing on the location.