White House Job Openings | The New Yorker

Govt Chef$17.50/hourAs the chief chef, you’ll be referred to as upon to feed the President and make it possible for he has time.Obligations:● Carry each meal to the President on an enormous spinning plate atop a stick such as you’re a magician.● Style-test every chunk of meals for poison and likewise to ensure it’s not too scorching.● Decide which nation the US ought to go to battle with.● Data of ice-cream sundaes is a plus!Volunteer GardenerUnpaid, for faculty credit score onlyThe volunteer gardener should have thick pores and skin (as safety towards thorny flowers, et cetera).Obligations:● Trim shrubs to appear like “Looney Tunes” characters.● Kill all of the bees (they’ve unionized).● Gown up shrubs in seasonally applicable outfits—e.g., chunky sweaters for fall.● First level of contact for Vladimir Putin.Social-Media Supervisor$2.13/hour, plus tipsAs social-media supervisor, you could insure that the general public sees solely the very best aspect of the President, which is each aspect. (Scorching girls solely.)Obligations:● Submit to numerous social-media platforms together with X, Fact Social, and StateDepartment.gov.● Educate the President to learn and write, plus woke lingo like “ACAB” and “viral feta TikTok pasta.”● Make the President Individuals journal’s Sexiest Man Alive every single day.● Learn all of the legal guidelines, and delete those that assist individuals.Driver$40,000-40,030/12 months, relying on experienceThe President’s driver ought to be capable of go vroom-vroom quick with out getting scared, and have to be at the least sixteen years outdated with a legitimate driver’s license.Obligations:● Say “mm-hmm,” “sure,” and “uh-huh” because the President tells you about his day.● Drive across the block a couple of occasions to assist the President go to sleep.● Don’t get distracted by the intense inside lights that your mother advised you had been harmful to have on whereas driving.● Educate the President what occurs in case you set off a nuclear bomb, and the best way to impress individuals by using a motorbike with out utilizing his fingers.BFF Vice-PresidentYou can’t put a value on friendship.The BFF vice-president is NOT the primary Vice-President, O.Okay.?!Obligations:● Be much less scorching than the President.● Play “This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed dwelling” with the President’s toes.● Periodically fake to go to sleep and permit the President to attract a veiny penis that’s jizzing into your mouth in your face with everlasting marker.● When the President tells you that he’s going to declare a nuclear battle, ask, “Are you positive?” repeatedly, in numerous humorous voices, till he forgets what he was doing.DiverSock stuffed with doubloons, dimension of sock depending on experienceAs a diver, you’ll present invaluable leisure across the clock. Ichthyophobics and nappers needn’t apply.Obligations:● Reside underwater with the sharks, fish, and Shamu within the President’s large aquarium workplace.● Supply and imprison endangered and/or humorous animals, from each sea and land, to be added to the tank.● Dealer peace within the Center East.● Do a backflip and handstand whereas sporting a mermaid tail.Monkey ReviverSorry, we’re out of cash!The monkey-reviver place is among the most vital positions within the White Home. Candidates have to be out there to begin ASAP.Obligations:● Present animal CPR on a dead-monkey corpse.● Have a excessive stage of consolation with weeks-old dead-monkey corpses.● Carry the President’s favourite useless monkey again to life.● Have to be bilingual (English and Monkey)! ♦